I have not reread the preceding posts. It has proven to send me back to that time, albeit momentarily, and not fruitful for the present situation which I am. Things have progressed in the past 6 months and I do not wish to revisit where I was until I am stronger in mind and body. I continue to lift weights progressively and I am staying mindfully active. I will record my day-to-day thoughts here as frequently as possible. I have another journal which is handwritten, that I have been recording in on Sundays as a weekly review on my day of rest. I have made distinct choices to end the cyclical nature of the last decade. It has been hard and will continue to be as I return to school, but I am maintaining my health- mental, physical, and social- to the best of my abilities and I am opening myself to the world of humility and learning.
Today is Saturday. I have nearly completed this week. I look forward to lifting and eating well. I continue to read daily and reduce the amount of time I use the internet for short-term stimulation. I am trying to be a better man for myself.
I have spent these morning hours annotating several books, mostly self-help writings at this time. I have finished reading Jordan B. Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, and am currently working on Gabor Mate’s In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. I have annotated the latter two, and need to return to Peterson’s book before reading the next couple books by him. The process is slow and I will continue this practice with schooling- probably not as often, though. I keep in mind things that I have taken from Mate’s writing about addiction, the key signs of dependence, which can arise from habits and not only chemical ingestion. My fear of this state has followed me, tormenting my psyche, for the first six months of this year, only broken by reading- a birthday gift from my brother. He gifted me The Alchemist, by Paulo Coehlo. This book started my reading journey- it started the acquisition of knowledge to chisel the ossified layers of addiction. It has opened my eyes to spirituality and how belief shapes the inner psyche and outer world. I am weary of some beliefs as they can lead man down dangerous paths; feeding the existential drive for anything other than self-transcendence. My beliefs may be influenced by my catholic upbringing and the ideas of good/evil within that secular framework; also influenced by bad chemical trips- my own experiences in the state of psychosis and mania. I tie this back to the idea of dependence, that I must be keen of my innermost emotional state. How do I feel as things change? What can I change? What must I do to stay ahead of life, to be proactive and to set a positive and progressive attitude for tomorrow’s self? I am dependent on how I feel. Although it cannot be controlled, it can be understood and knowledge of these senses is that which will ultimately keep me from returning to my past self. I will continue to reshape my mind and be humble in thought, to connect with other individuals and learn from them. I am the taking time that addiction has robbed from me. Tomorrow will be an even better day than today.
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