Looking back at August, we celebrated my brother’s and father’s birthdays, progressively increased weights in the gym, and got the ball rolling for a return to school. All the while, I’ve been practicing good study habits with books, annotating and transcribing the useful tidbits into a word document that I can use later as citations. We will start schooling next week- two classes, 6 credit hours- I am taking an English composition and abnormal psychology class. Both are held at a more local campus, close to where I work along I-23. My dad says this road goes towards Toledo, where my wealthier family lives.
Today is Sunday, my day of rest. I plan to clean my bedroom and bath, maybe the kitchen as well. It will be an easygoing day.
Unfortunately, I had read a bit of my previous posts. It has been over a year since I had been routinely abusing any chemical. This had drained me after reading. I felt a heaviness, something immobilizing in the rambling nature of those times. It felt as if I were grasping at nothing, falling deeper into the abyss, whilst believing I was climbing up. There is no romance in these times, only despair. Today, tomorrow, and next month will be infinitely better than those times past. I can look back eventually, but now is not the time.
During this week, I had seen a therapist- this time a straight, white man. This is a novelty in the therapeutic world as the last ineffectual clinician was a woman, the one before a homosexual man (good person, bad circumstances- rehab), and before these two it was my electronic journal and manic ruminations. Thinking of such, I can probably go through those writings and add them to this journal, somehow categorizing them in order- someday. But, I digress. This new therapist talked to me nearly the whole session, reminiscent of a driving instructor I had once. I rarely spoke, only to question and reiterate his speech. When I was first learning to drive, there was always one instructor that stood out to me. A man, younger compared to his coworkers, that would speak incessantly as to ‘think for me’. It helped me transverse the mechanical plane during that learning experience. He didn’t take my hand and lead, but was more of a puppeteer from above. This is what I must be careful about with this therapist, with paranoia stemming from his freely chosen words of ‘mind control’ and self-entitling himself as a ‘god’.
His thoughts, although unorganized and shown by the poorly written articles he had given me, are almost like guides to thinking. I do not wish to be like him but his heart seems to be in the right place. He served in the Marines, struggled with alcoholism, turned his life around at the age of 40, and became a therapist after he had one good clinician.
I have also approached therapy with a different outlook, to learn- to listen. I am not smarter than this man, nor is it my aim. I am human and he is too. I will learn from him.
After the session, I felt a familiar paranoia reminiscent of my past ‘feelings’ in psychosis and mania, almost mystical/paranormal thinking. Within the several worksheets he gave me, one on ’emotional monkeys in a circus’, one on ’10 rules emotions follow’, and the last- the one I acquired through questioning- the ‘7 universal rules’. This is derived from Hermeticism, an ancient collection of mystical writings attributed to Hermes Trismegistus, a combination of both Greek god Hermes and the Egyptian god Thoth. Basically, the basis is around that this existence stems from a singular, divine source or mind. So, everything revolves around the receiver, where you turn your inner lead into gold (alchemy). I am not a fan of mystical and esoteric thinking, but I will learn meaning in their teachings and maintain grounding in reality.
It is strange that many a man will deviate from organized religion, although he had said several times that he was somebody’s ‘God’; I attribute this to man’s arrogance, or lack of practiced humility. He also rejected AA’s teachings, saying to me that he was able to ‘flip a switch’ or something along the lines of miraculous healing. Perhaps this is stubbornness. I have seen this in myself when I am excited and begin to live in the world of possibility/fantasy. It seems his ‘higher power’ is rooted within himself, although I did not procure a direct answer to this, and allude most of this argument to his statements of being his children’s ‘god’. He may have narcissistic tendencies as any man does, but I believe to be sensitive to this as it is the one thing that will lead me back to addiction, and the one thing I will avoid at all costs.
I wish to stay grounded, here on earth, with others- to connect with them and learn from their experiences and transcend the idea of ‘self’. Not to become wholly self-less, but to understand myself to the point where I do not recognize what I have been. To grow past my self. This will be the main objective. But I must set boundaries with this world and let in what I believe to be fruitful to this end goal. I must be careful.
Today is Sunday, my day of rest. I will clean during this morning and go for a light bike ride later in the day. I will continue reading and annotating, transcribing useful information for later use.
bumisdum.com 