Today is Labor Day, yet I go to work for Home Depot. I am the backup book keeper and have other floor duties; today, I am a plumbing associate. Before registering for classes, I was in cahoots with a local trade union for pipe fitters. My aim was to be a plumber. Somehow, out of all the grumpy, weed-smelling, and poo-covered residential workers that pass through that Home Depot along I-23, I wanted to be like them. Perhaps I wanted to be in a profession with more men. I needed a male influence in my life that may have had some of the same experiences as me. But, for now, I have a therapist. And, for now, I am returning to nursing school.
I feel somewhat rested. I have reelected Trazodone as my champion of sleep. Any dose above 50mg causes insane nasal congestion and terrible mouth breathing at night. This was a crucial piece missing in my current health journey, sleep. It is part of the trifecta of stability; nutrition, environment, and sleep. Or is it shelter? Isn’t that environment? Anyway, I have been sleeping without problem most nights. Along with this, I taper my use of nicotine down. My previous habit was around 4-6 pouches per day, maybe more. The current patch I wear says it is 14mg, which is around the mark if I was using 3mg pouches last. I am happy to see my dependence is being curbed by rationality or will-power, whichever. My brain has a long way to go with healing.
After work, I will resume my usual daily routine. around 4 cups of coffee before 12PM, a nutritious shake and daily vitamins 10-11AM, chest & abs work, and a bike ride after. Then around 3PM, I eat 6 eggs and a small portion of steak and bread. Before bed, I take 50mg trazodone, 5mg melatonin, magnesium, and CBD. I have been limiting my screen time for short-form content apps like tiktok. I have been and will continue to abstain from masturbation and pornography for religious and ethical reasons. During my down time, in the morning I like to reread and annotate the books which I have been working on; today, it will be Gabor Mate and Jordan B. Peterson. After eating my last meal, I like to sit down with my guitar in front of my childhood piano and practice/play for an hour.
It is at the end of the day I face my struggles. I feel the loneliest when the day is near complete. Perhaps it is the decrease in focus that allows my mind to stare down to the abyss. I will try to meditate for some time, any amount of time, before bed. I can also practice language, which I’ve luckily kept about by paying too much for a learning app which I do not utilize enough. Yes, that would be ideal- meditation and study. I want to get around to review the teachings of Catholicism as well. All of these things will help to stay busy. This is where I can be better than I was yesterday. This is true work. I will continue to do this, to better prepare myself for tomorrow.
I am grateful for work and the people who I work with. They have come a long way and have much to teach me. I am grateful for my family, their unconditional love and understanding. They accept where I am at this time. I am grateful for the opportunities I have at hand. The cards were never stacked against me. I am grateful for humility and the ability to learn and change. I am grateful for human kindness and love.
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