Today, I think of lust and deceit. Yesterday, I blocked a girl’s phone number. Also my former drug dealer. It was a weird correlation of events, which I contributed the cause to mystical, evil energies working in the yellow wallpapers under modernity’s vinyl skin. Alas, this is magical, nonsense thinking. Or is it?
I think of lust in terms of objectifying women, the main focus is tied to the self-centered hedonism that suffering can be used to justify. I have been growing interested in the teachings of Christianity and growing my base of moral supports. It is said that lust goes against the divine design, the union of two souls in marriage, and is referred to as adultery of the heart- waging war against the soul.
I blocked this woman’s number because of a response to visiting a church. Her character shows much black/white thinking of religious teachings. I have a faint suspicion of underlying misandry/misanthropy when a woman/anyone turns away from god. I know this from unfortunate experience. “I like the outside, but not the inside,” she says, and “I’ve never really thought of it like that,” when I describe the bible as a book, not what she referred succinctly as a singular “lie”. I am not zealous. I search for tools to fight against the abyss that many young people face in this day. I have stared long enough into it for it to stare back.
I am not a saint but I now wish not to rally with individuals that do not take life seriously. My drug dealer, Sonny, was a dishwasher at the chain-deli I had worked at in my early 20s. In my naivety, I was attracted to their blend of nihilism and masculinity. He and Eric were both there as frequently as I, working the same pay grade at 10 years senior. They had things I had not, confidence, a semblance of security, and friendship. They would often short me on the grams of weed I would buy, and not knowing any better, I would not confront them, as I believed it would interfere with the “friendship” we had. I was not like them, and they saw that as weakness, they used me for what I had. I blocked his number as it perpetuated the man I used to want to be. It reminded me of these times of confusion; where my arrogance lead me past a teachable state, into nihilism and the abyss.
It is OK to have desire. But when this desire turns into a self-seeking impulse, where the addict within me emerges, that is when it must be sentenced to guillotine and cut off. Sonny wanted me to buy his latest strain of weed. Paige wanted me to be vulnerable with her to boost her low-self worth. I pray they both find a God of their understanding, and if they already did, then I pray they meet me somewhere of peaceful pasture. They both suffer as I do. They both deserve a better life, but not at the cost of my own.
Today, I think of lust. I think of the meaning behind the desire of being with another human, with a woman. I think of the times I neglected this, to supersede good reason, and to chase transitory pleasure. Today, I will be better than yesterday.
Today, I think of true friendship. The type that does not short nor take advantage of your kindness; the type that does not see you as prey or weak. The type that sees you as part of the pack; the type that sees you as another human. The type that helps you excel at Being. The type that I never attracted in the state of mind’s past. The type that I want and truly desire for my future, better self. The type that you can only achieve after you truly work on yourself. The type that I will have some day, on a better day than today. Or maybe it is already present, and I have too high of expectations. Today, I continue to learn of myself and make the world around me a better place. Today is Tuesday. I have much to do today.
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