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This is the first entry of my personal ramblings. I have struggled with consistency my entire life, shown by the disorganization of my writing, but hope to find accountability in this and record my future of positive endeavors. My goal for this personal blog is to create a good habit amongst the horde of negatively impacting ones that occlude the goodness of life. I am relatively young but struggle with ruminations of the past, anxieties of the future, and the complacent depression of inactivity. I hope this reads differently in good time.

I was born February 10th, 1999. The anniversary soon approaches. I cannot recall any significant events of my life so far, save the abuse of drugs and mental health struggles. I have little to no self-esteem and view poorly of myself. This is holding me back from accomplishing anything.

My parents have stuck their necks out for my sorry ass, previously supporting my drug abuse, and still remain supportive. I am very thankful for them and their resilience when it comes to dealing with my behavior. I wish to somehow make it up to them- to apologize and repay them for the commitment they’ve shown.

Alcohol and amphetamines are my drugs of choice. Both have produced negative outcomes that compulsion is unable to weigh as consequence. I am in active addiction. The past week, I was on suicide watch after drinking hand sanitizer, consumed a handle of diluted rum after ambien, and obtained a prescription for amphetamines.

I was admitted to a hospital for suicidal ideation after arriving at a rehab center last week. This was an overnight stay and I decided not to return to the rehab facility. The events leading up to the admission, I had relapsed by drinking and reacted selfishly when I was caught. I threatened to get more drinks and was being belligerent, running up to doors and making my father block the path. I look back at this as a cry for help- seeking attention. My judgement was black-and-white, all-or-nothing, and I wasn’t content on staying there that night. They called the rehab I had most recently stayed at. Before leaving, I impulsively drank hand sanitizer, trying to further intoxicate myself and get a reaction from my parents. This was the determinant factor during the admission which flagged me for psych intervention. I only spent about 30 minutes at the rehab facility before two paramedics and several police officers escorted me to the city hospital. I spent the night in a familiar purple gown without straps, doors without knobs, and interviews with many of the clinical staff. I’m not sure why my parents allowed me to return home. I ignored their lenience and forgiveness, entitled to my degenerate condition, and fantasized my next chemical vacation.

I finally followed up with a job offer at a grocery store and was interviewed on Tuesday. Conveniently, I had found a gift card to this store, which my parents received for their volunteer efforts. Entitled to my self destruction, I planned to use this the day of my interview to purchase alcohol. The day of, I half-wittingly decided to take a hypnotic sleep aide (Ambien) before leaving for the interview. I blacked out and experienced very low inhibitions. I attended the interview and do not remember entering, interviewing, nor exiting the building; but I do recall entering my father’s car with a Redbull and the rum. After returning home, I found myself messing with and damaging musical equipment while contacting every woman in my contacts. In this half-conscious state, I began drinking diluted rum and arranged for a meeting with a woman I had never met in person. I only remember fragments of this encounter; first- repeatedly calling her (and other women), being with her and a friend, smoking a joint, and then being half asleep in the back of a car with her urging me to stay awake. I am embarrassed of this incident. Blacking out has caused numerous destructive events in my life. I shouldn’t say I’m blessed that nothing serious occurred now nor then. It should be distressing to see this happen so frequently, yet I have once again maintained self-soothing arrogance.

Today, I dosed 100mg of amphetamines (Vyvanse), which is double the prescribed dose. I am currently abusing this prescription and often have ran out of the 30-day supply within the first week, being forced to spend the rest of the month in a dopamine deficit. The fear of this not changing is based on the anticipation of the loss of abusing the drug. I have been afraid of losing one of the last potentially beneficial drugs due to my negligence.